you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
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He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
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No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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