Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize