I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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