Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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