I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
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Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
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This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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