John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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