I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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