I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
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Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sorry my hands just texted you
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Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
BRING THE BAGELS
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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