Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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