why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
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Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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