Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
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He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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