I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
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I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
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Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
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