After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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