it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
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so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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