I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm really busy with my period
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