If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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