Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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