She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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