Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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