how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize