I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
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WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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