he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
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I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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