Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
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Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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