All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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