i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
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Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
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Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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