that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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