the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
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I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
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i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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