dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
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I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
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The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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