I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
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drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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