I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
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I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
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Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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