she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
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when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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