Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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