she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
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