If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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