Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
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Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
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Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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