All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
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I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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