dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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