My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
don't judge my taste in strippers
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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