I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
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He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want a musical about memes.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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