I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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