Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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