i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
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They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
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wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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