I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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