the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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