god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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