My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
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just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
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WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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