I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
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Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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