awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize