Someone shit on the floor
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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