My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
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He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
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Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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